(photo credit: from, via)
OK, I can’t resist. I’m going to explain briefly why every one of these is wrong. Ann’s at church, so this is the piece of good I’m doing in the world instead today. Cause I don’t want to sit on a wooden bench for 3 hours and listen to a service in Bulu. I don’t speak Bulu. She goes for the music.
Anyway. With apologies to Ambrose Bierce and his Devil’s Dictionary, onward:
1. Do one thing at a time. Yeah, sure. If you have a professional job, where people give you a problem to solve, instead of simply giving you tasks to do, you will never have this opportunity. Just try, the next time your manager gives you something to do, saying “Well, I’m already working on something else. Do you want me to finish it, or do you want me to do this new thing instead?”
2. Know the problem. If the problem is completely knowable, it’s not interesting. Sure, understand it as completely as possible. But usually, interesting problems, real-world problems, aren’t knowable. You know a part, start working, and discover the rest as you go. At least in software development, which is what I get paid to do.
3. Learn to listen. This one’s a little harder to argue with. But, you want to take what people tell you with a grain of salt. Everyone wants to be an expert, tell you how to do things, but you’re better off figuring the problem out for yourself so that you really understand it.
4. Learn to ask question. I’ve found that people hate being asked questions. Often this is because they themselves have not really thought things through. Asking the wrong questions can make people pretty hostile, in a work environment, because they feel challenged, even threatened. Plus people hate repeating themselves, so if you’re absentminded like me, this is something else to watch. Learn not to ask questions, at least not unless absolutely necessary.
5. Distinguish sense from nonsense. Ah, as the great Willy Wonka (the one in Roald Dahl’s original book rather than Johnny Depp’s creepy Michael Jackson version) once said, “a little footling about will keep you from going up the spout.” A little nonsense goes a long way, so embrace it.
6. Accept change as inevitable. I think they have me here. Not sure I can argue with this. Just be sure to party for your right to fight.
7. Admit mistakes. You have no idea how hilarious this sounds, living in Africa. I think maybe the US is the only culture that makes this a value instead of a terrible admission of weakness, although maybe we got it from the understated brits. That said, yes, it’s important. But be really careful doing this with people who don’t share this value. They’ll just think you’re a sucker and lose respect for you. Sad but true.
8. Say it simple. Just be aware that it makes your arguments that much easier to dismiss by people with an interest in doing so, by neglecting to address all those details you just left out of your argument.
9. Be calm. Hey, a little excitement, a little salesmanship, goes a long way. Give em the old razzle-dazzle, bead-and-feather-em. They’ll let you get away with murder.
10. Smile. Many cultures, and many people who habitually wear ties, see smiling as a sign of weakness. You have been warned.
